The Roast of Flannery

A while back I promised you a story… 

Once upon a time in a dirty and chaotic kitchen, a little girl dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz (just as she had been for many days prior) requested her mother to make her a smoothie. It was not a polite request, and yet her mother decided the only way to get her to chill out was to yield to such request anyway.

There was a lot going on. Lots of yelling and screaming on the behalf of the little girl and lots of stressful vibes being emitted from the mother. Earlier that week the girls and their mother made a large Costco run and they brought home a kitchen full of oversized food items. Among them were huge bags of frozen fruit and large cuts of meat. All of which were now stored in the freezer with little to no organization. Upon opening to door of the freezer to retrieve the frozen fruit, the mother noticed an obstruction- an 8 pound roast. She tried in vain to extract the fruit without taking the roast from the freezer, because she only had one free hand (the other was holding the littlest girl) and after realizing she would not succeed easily, closed the freezer door with haste to set the smallest child down and try again. But something happened in the mean time. The contents of the freezer shifted in an unfortunate way. And the freezer door flung wide open to release the eight pound roast in a downward arc with rapid velocity. And who chanced to be standing in the path of the speeding beef?


(Well, technically, Flannery’s head.)

The collision of roast to skull sent the small child flying backward the ground. A large dent as proof of the forceful contact was accompanied by a scream even more terrible than the aforementioned shrieks she was emitting. A shocked and horrified mother turned around to find the scene and immediately examined the small child. Aside from the large dent on her forehead, everything else seemed fine and in working condition. But to be cautious, she called every nurse friend she knew in a panic demanding signs for concussion. (And also trying not to laugh as she said ” Flannery just got hit in the head with a frozen eight pound roast”).

Everything checked out, no troubling signs were to be found. The little girl got her smoothie, danced and sang around the house the rest of the evening and hardly had a bruise the next day as proof of the matter. And the mother got a good story and reminder to always keep the frozen fruit in the front of the freezer.

Vengeance was made on the roast in the form of beef stew. And it was a sweet victory.


Flannery as Dorothy.


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  1. Grace Degen

    You are absolutely hilarious! Such talented writing!

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